Survivors of Domestic Violence Workers

A friend of mine jokingly suggested I start a group with that name, after she found out that I was the second person she knew who’s abuser had worked for a domestic violence agency. Talking about this issue with her, as well as learning about her other friend’s experience, led me to seriously question the way in which domestic violence agencies respond upon hearing from a survivor that their abuser is among that agencies staff or volunteers.

I hadn’t much thought of this as anything beyond an individual issue, but now that I am thinking about it, I find it unconscionable that any domestic violence agency wouldn’t have a plan for this circumstance. Especially because it only furthers the “it couldn’t happen here” mentality that is common in many abusive situations.

When I realized that my relationship was abusive, my partner was interning at the Bradley Angle House in Portland. It was something he had been working toward for a while. When I confronted him, his first thoughts were about them finding out, and he made it very, very clear to me that he didn’t want me to talk with them about it.

I eventually did, but I was terrified that he’d find out. I called a few times, making absolutely certain to be anonymous, not identify him or myself, and just find out how they would want to repsond. I got tossed from person to person until I was given a phone number of who I should talk to. But unfortunately, that person was never at their desk. I called 2-3 times a day for a week before I got through. We talked for ten minutes before I had to go. But when I called back again I couldn’t get through. That time I left my phone number, but I never recieved a call back.

The friend of a friend I mentioned had an abuser who was on the board of a major national domestic violence agency. They wrote a letter to the board explaining the circumstances and why they might not want that person on their board, but they never recieved a response.

In both cases, these agencies dropped the ball. It makes me wonder how often does this happens? How do other agencies respond to this issue? Does anyone have a plan or a guide for how to deal with it? I don’t think that someone should immediately be excommunicated when it appears that they have been abusive, but the ignore-it-untill-it-goes-away approach that I’ve encountered is shameful.